If your birthday is this week: You will meet a dark and mysterious strange who will attempt to sell you Amway products.
Aries: The stars say, change the batteries in your remote, they are about to die.
Taurus: Your bank will attempt to foreclose on your tool shed. Eventually, they’ll settle and just take your broken weed whacker.
Gemini: You’ll get a wrong number call from Bob Dylan, but you won’t understand what the fuck he’s sayin’.
Lemini: After coming back from the dentist you’ll order a pizza, but with all the numbness in your mouth it will arrived covered in Oreos and grass clippings.
Cancer: You will recognize the next man you mug from your high school Civics class. Fortunately, he was a dick to you then.
Leo: This week, the roaches that live in your kitchen scrawl a note on a candy wrapper requesting that your drop healthier food on the floor.
Virgo: A dimensional doorway will open near you this week and another version of you will step out along with a therapist. The therapist will point to you and say, “Is THAT what you want to turn into?!”
Libra: You will realize that you’re eating too much ice cream because it’s February and the ice cream man keeps driving down your street.
Scorpio: Your torrid affair with Tom Green ends abruptly after it hits the tabloids and no one cares.
Sagittarius: You will find your car filled with packing peanuts. It’s not a prank, your neighbor just needed some place to store them.
Capricorn: You will learn to read tea leaves, but all the leaves ever say is, “Water…hot!”
Aquarius: Your friends will finally hold an intervention for you so you stop emailing funny videos to everyone.
Pisces: You’ll choke on the last joke on your comedy horoscope. Next time, start earlier than 4 o’clock in the morning.
