If your birthday is this week: What good’s a prediction when you’ll probably end up black out drunk and not rememberin’ anything? You’ll be drunk!
Aries: You’ll go to bed with a fine lookin’ redhead, but wake up with a Great Dane in a Ronald MacDonald’s wig.
Taurus: Boyo, that beer bong’s not a beer bong, you’re drunk and it’s a vomit-filled vuvuzela.
Gemini: The stars say, it’s almost time to plant your potatoes, so ya better move that body now.
Lemini: Your Shamrock Shake will be full of boogers.
Cancer: It turns out, on your trip to Ireland, you kissed the Barney Stone. Now the only gift you get is the gift to steal Fred’s Fruity Pebbles.
Leo: The road will not rise to meet ye, but ye will fall flat on yer face ye wee drunk.
Virgo: You will read this part in a normal accent, but ye will read this bit in an Irish accent, lad!
Libra: Your Irish Coffee will actually be Italian and taste like it’s full of oregano.
Scorpio: Sex with a leprechaun doesn’t bring ya a pot o’ gold, but a rash in the shape of a four leaf clover.
Sagittarius: Some Irish squirrels break into your house. You’ll find them passed out drunk in your bag of almonds.
Capricorn: The Spirit of St. Patty visits you this night and takes you out for beers, but beats the shit out of you in an alley after an argument.
Aquarius: Your drunken Irish Dad won’t sing this song with you, but he will buy you Guinness. Close enough.
Pisces: You’ll finally catch a leprechaun, but all the wee lad has left is expired Famous Dave’s coupons.
