If your birthday is this week: Your mispronunciation of the word “Ferrari” gets you a ferret painted fire engine red this year.
Aries: Beware of a co-worker. He may beat you in the face with his keyboard for sending him another Harlem Shake video link.
Taurus: Your test drive will end with a swim, but at least it isn’t your car.
Gemini: Your porn stash will be uncovered by your girlfriend. On the upside, your wife does not find out about either.
Lemini: You will discover that you can’t make a bong out of a cat’s skull when it’s still alive.
Cancer: The stars say, the Walking Dead is over for a while so stop bitching about it.
Leo: Your roommate makes some hashbrowns out of actually hash and potatoes. Don’t eat them unless you’re not doing anything for the next three days.
Virgo: The UPS man will sing you Dick in a Box. Don’t sign for that package.
Libra: You will be visited by three ghosts this week. Mostly, they’ll just want to watch Cable TV and eat your snacks, lazy ghosts.
Scorpio: The stars say, save money on your fetish. Buy vinyl corsets in bulk.
Sagittarius: You will be convinced that you have time traveled back to the 70’s after passing out drunk and waking up to a rerun of M*A*S*H*. Turns out, it’s actually the 80’s.
Capricorn: You will punch a historical figure and become an extremely difficult trivia question.
Aquarius: The mice in your apartment go on strike and demand better healthcare, by which they mean, cheese.
Pisces: You will postpone your vacation to North Korea in favor of doing anything else.
