If your birthday is this week: Despite the full moon, all your werewolf buddies claim to be too busy for your birthday party.
Aries: Wearing a tuxedo on the bus gets you in a fight with a guy because he claims you think you’re better than him.
Taurus: You’ll have an uneventful trip to the supermarket, unless you’re in Florida, where you’ll be bitten by an alligator on meth.
Gemini: The cops will explain that taking bets at the dog park on the fastest dogs is not legal or very smart.
Lemini: You’ll meet a very special person and step in their poop somehow.
Cancer: The girls scouts name a cookie flavor after you called “Depressed Macaroon”.
Leo: It turns out, you painting billboards “freelance” is just vandalism.
Virgo: The robot you build cries until you agree to marry it so it can stay in this country.
Libra: Your sneakers will smell so bad, the neighbors will come by to complain.
Scorpio: Get to the store today, those coupons are expiring and a deal on dildos like this only comes once in a lifetime.
Sagittarius: Your Tinder date asks if serving you Hot Pockets still counts as buying you dinner.
Capricorn: This week, you’ll eat your weight in cottage cheese.
Aquarius: You discover that dusting your pasta with powdered sugar is pretty good.
Pisces: You’ll find out they killed the MCU and rant about on your YouTube Channel.
