If your birthday is this week:  Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will jump out of your cake and call you a racist.

Aries:  You will be given a back rub by a stranger who claims that he’s working as a “freelance massager”.

Taurus:  The tide will come in and you’ll realize you should not have left your ice cream cake sitting on the sand.

Gemini:  You’ll realize that shooting a Roman candle out of your butt is way less hilarious if you turn it the wrong way.

Lemini:   You’ll be asked by Twitter to stop complaining about Game of Thrones.

Cancer:  The movie you see is pretty good, but the guy whose house you broke into to watch it demands you untie him and replace the popcorn you ate.

Leo:   Your Tinder date commits way more arson than you’re comfortable with on the first meet up.

Virgo:  You save ten dollars by buying hot dogs for the barbecue made from squirrel.

Libra:   You’ll spend most of an upcoming barbecue telling someone about your Avengers: Endgame rewrite, causing at least one suicide attempt.

Scorpio:  The stars say, next time wait until nightfall before you have sex in the pool at a family gathering.

Sagittarius:  Post a picture of testicles isn’t acceptable on the dating site, especially since they’re not yours.

Capricorn:   This week, remember to wipe down the log flume if you pee yourself at the amusement park again.

Aquarius:  Freeing the sharks you raised is met with mixed reviews at the beach this week.

Pisces:  A host of brand new opportunities are heading your way, mostly in clickbait form.