If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will taste like the sweet, sweet mayo your friends used as icing.

Aries:   Some young punk will start trouble on the bus and you’ll step up and get off a stop early.

Taurus:   Donald Trump does not tweet about your Facebook ban, they still require pants and underwear in their pics.

Gemini:    The other customers in the Arby’s will ask you to stop singing…in the shower…of barbecue sauce.

Lemini:  You’ll realize although it’s an interesting taste, you probably shouldn’t mix meth and Red Bull.

Cancer:  The clerk at the movie theater loses a fingernail, but fortunately you find it at the bottom of your popcorn.

Leo: The stars say, no one wants to attend a musical about that time you accidentally got extra change back at the Subway.

Virgo:  You discover that taking off your clothes and screaming is not a good audition for Naked and Afraid.

Libra:  No one is jealous of your sexual scars because your uncle gave them to you.

Scorpio:  After your grand aunt passes, she leaves you her collection of vintage dildos.

Sagittarius:  The waitress will refuse to take your poetry as a tip.

Capricorn:  No matter how you pitch it to the chef, he assures that ham sandwiches have already been invented.

Aquarius:  You’ll realize that you’re the only one attending an upcoming bachelor party, but you won’t care.

Pisces:  Your Game of Thrones predictions are all wrong, it doesn’t end in a “dragon orgy”.