If your birthday is this week: The clerk at CVS wishes you a happy birthday, but won’t take back the candles you used.

Aries:  Your new flavor of Tasty-Kake, “Underside of Mouse Pad”, meets with mixed reviews.

Taurus:  The plumber doesn’t not give you a discount, even though you took apart your sink before he arrived to fix it.

Gemini:   Cosplaying Game of Thrones characters while you’re watching it at home by yourself seems like a lot of work for nothing.

Lemini:  After a long and boring call, the telemarketer will hang up on you.

Cancer:  You’ll ask for a happy ending, but waitress will insist that its incredibly inappropriate.

Leo: Your favorite character in Game of Thrones does die because, sadly, Gimli is not in Game of Thrones.

Virgo:  You will take a tour of Butterscotch country.

Libra:  The stars say, mow your lawn you lazy fuck.

Scorpio:  You’ll break up your polyamorous relationship after your tenth argument over who picks up the check.

Sagittarius:  You’ll discover that your cellphone plan charges you double for misspelled texts.

Capricorn:  You’ll get a deal on used lottery tickets.

Aquarius:  Your board game based on waiting in a doctor’s office does not sell as well as expected.

Pisces:  You will eat your weight in Royal Crown Ice Cream.