If your birthday is this week:   Your friends buy you many beers for your birthday and drink them in your honor as well.

Aries:  You will be assaulted by a man whose only weapon is a box of donuts.

Taurus:   The stars say, this is a bad week to be cloned, wait another month.

Gemini:  You will pee next to your true love.

Lemini:   The good news, you get a response on Tinder, the bad news is that it’s your cousin.

Cancer:   Your game of Jenga ends in another trip to the hospital.

Leo:   You will be berated by someone in a kilt that isn’t Scottish.

Virgo:  You’ll realize that posting on Twitter for 16 straight hours isn’t healthy.

Libra:   This week, maybe don’t drink cough syrup with every meal.

Scorpio:  A time traveler will seduce and have sex with you, then reveal that it’s you so…

Sagittarius:   You’ll realize that a portapotty is the worst place to make a grilled cheese.

Capricorn:   Your garden gnomes demand you close your curtains whenever you’re in the shower.

Aquarius:   Your protest against animal testing confuses everyone at the golf pro shop.

Pisces:   You will foolishly believe that politics has finally settled down on the Internet.