If your birthday is this week:  You friends will be shocked that you managed to somehow eat the slice of birthday cake that wasn’t poisoned.

Aries:  Once again, someone breaks into your place and eats all the crunchberries in your Crunchberry Cereal.

Taurus:  The man you met on the bus isn’t a spy, he’s just a well-dressed homeless person.

Gemini:  The ghost of Anthony Bourdain will appear and ask you if they’ve made jokes about his death or if it’s too soon.

Lemini:  This week you’ll mathematically prove that God hates you.

Cancer:  Your barbecue is kicked into high gear when someone lights the grill and discovers that one unexploded rocket from the Fourth of July you lost.

Leo:  Your bubblegum appetizers save you from having to put out any other appetizers.

Virgo:  You will meet an extraordinarily smart hedgehog.

Libra:  Your addiction to fresh basil finally ruins the relationship between you and the Whole Foods Pesto maker.

Scorpio:  You’ll have sex with a bronze replica of a naked person, but avoid jail time because of the statue…of limitations.

Sagittarius:  You’ll be eating peanut butter and run into some guy eating chocolate, then beat the shit out of him and take his chocolate so you have both.

Capricorn:  Las Vegas calls and asks you to stop betting on “orange”.

Aquarius:  Your bikini waxing goes well, but the lifeguards ask that you no longer have it performed at the beach.

Pisces:  Your Pokemon all get together and demand you clean the poop out of the balls you’ve been storing them in.