If your birthday is this week:  The Amazon drone files a sexual harassment suit against you.

Aries:  After pointing out a mistake your boss made, ICE agents “deport” you back to your cubicle.

Taurus:  Your cat will beat you in a game of Othello, but fortunately, he can’t speak English to tell anyone.

Gemini:  Your former paperboy is caught throwing an iPad onto everyone’s stoop.

Lemini:  You’ll come to the sad conclusion that you’ll never go viral.

Cancer:  You’ll watch as the CVS gives God a receipt so large, even he can’t fit it in his pocket.

Leo:  You’ll spot Morgan Freeman on the side of the road attempting to narrate traffic.

Virgo:  You friend that’s been playing tag for the last 30 years is finally locked in an insane asylum.

Libra:  The stars say, don’t eat that cupcake.  Your friend’s kid licked it and put it back.

Scorpio:  You’ll realized you never properly thanked your neighbor for letting you screw his spouse.

Sagittarius:  Halfway through a bowl of Milk Duds you’ll realize you’re eating very chocolatey rabbit turds.

Capricorn:  The bank decides not to honor the money you printed.

Aquarius:  You’ll give another Q&A to the garden gnomes in your backyard.

Pisces:  You’ll come home brain fried after a comic book convention and write a comedy horoscope that barely makes any kibble.