If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday clown will be a juggalo.  He’ll eat all the birthday cake, but leave you with plenty of Faygo.

Aries:  You will accidentally lead a marching band into the supermarket.

Taurus:  You’ll discover that going to a rock concert on horseback is problematic.

Gemini:  The stars say, you should probably stop letting your dog send out your resumes.

Lemini:  You finally have that summer body, but unfortunately you have nowhere to bury it now.

Cancer:  You’ll discover that fried roadkill taste nothing like chicken.

Leo:  Your pizza delivery guy will look surprisingly like that 8th grade teacher who thought you would amount to nothing.

Virgo:  You accidentally take Viagra instead of Claritan and get a boner every time you sneeze.

Libra:  The management at Target will insist that you try on underwear inside the dressing rooms.

Scorpio:  You’ll realize you’re allergic to strawberry anal lube at the worst possible time.

Sagittarius:  Your skateboard video will be rejected because there’s not enough protruding bone breaks.

Capricorn:  It turns out, that server you tipped at Taco Bell was just a homeless guy that comes in and touches everyone’s food.

Aquarius:  You should let sleeping dogs lie, especially while robbing that junk yard.

Pisces:  Realizing your dog wants longer and longer walks, you decide to start feeding her more carbs and letting her watch TV.