If your birthday is this week:  For your birthday, you’ll go to Dragon Con and return with no pants.

Aries:  You will be kidnapped by renegade boy scouts doing a Lord of the Flies sleepover thing.

Taurus:  This week, scapegoat your pet, that way, your boss fires him instead.

Gemini:  It turns out, the groundbreaking ceremony you attended was just a scam to get golden shovels.

Lemini:  Get ready to be spray with white hot milk substance this week because you’re going to the warm milk factory and the factory workers there are going to jizz on you.

Cancer:  You’d better go poop before the end of reading this horoscope because—  Too late, someone’s in the bathroom.

Leo:  You’ll be elected mayor of New Fart Town, population you.

Virgo:  You’ll see that same episode of Family Guy you always see when you watch Family Guy.

Libra:  You’ll get a letter in the mail from the last guy still using stamps.

Scorpio:  Your Dungeons and Dragons game ends in an orgy and some of your best dice leave in the orifices of your players.

Sagittarius:  Your doctor will advise you to stop making memes for the next two weeks.

Capricorn:  The stars say, no sense spitting out the gumball now, it’s not like the kid that licked it cares now.

Aquarius:  You’ll be arrested for looking at boobs on the Internet, mostly because they belong to the wife of a police chief.

Pisces:  You will watch the new Twin Peaks and be even more confused than the last time you watched it.