If your birthday is this week:  A hockey fight will break out at your birthday party and you’ll spend the rest of the evening in the penalty box.

Aries:  Your pizza guy will insist that you don’t need the carbs.

Taurus:  The stars say, that Frisbee’s still on your roof.

Gemini:  You’ll take an enormous shit, but decide later that you should return it to its rightful owner.

Lemini:  You’ll hit on 17 and she’ll turn you down.

Cancer:  Your computer will inform you that you’ve reached maximum porn storage.

Leo:  You’ll enjoy a cup of chunkless Chunky Soup.

Virgo:  You’ll invent a new ice cream flavor called Disappointment Orange that tastes like Lemon.

Libra:  You’ll reconnect with an old mentor just in time for them to borrow money from you.

Scorpio:  You’ll prove that the cinnamon challenge isn’t a challenge if you use your anus instead of your mouth.

Sagittarius:  Someone dressed in a gorilla suit will attempt to get you to buy them bananas.

Capricorn:  You will put your genitals against an a historical object.

Aquarius:  You will discover an entire case of whiskey in your cellar and realize that your supply is far too low.

Pisces:  You will attend the Jersey Shore Comic Book Show where fans will shower you with praise and later, an actual shower, so maybe wear a clean shirt.