If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, pulling a fire alarm doesn’t count as a surprise birthday party.

Aries:  You will discover that using your toe nail file to clean carrots make them taste funny.

Taurus:  You’ll eat an entire cake, which sounds found and totally is.

Gemini:  This week, you’ll eat a cheese sandwich you found in a cab.

Lemini:  You’ll knock over Stonehenge, but you’ll be able to blame it on some kid in a wheelchair, so you’ll be fine.

Cancer:  You’ll misplace your box of grenades at the nursery school.  That place is a mess.

Leo:  Get a suit, you’re going to need it for your new job as a coffin tester.

Virgo:  You’ll attend a very confusing funeral for a relative and get a partial refund.

Libra:  There will be a mix up at the funeral parlor and you’ll accidentally bury a coffin tester.

Scorpio:  You will rub against your financial consultant, but it won’t get you better financial advice.

Sagittarius:  The escort service tells you for the fifth time that they don’t have the kind of livestock you’re looking for.

Capricorn:  You’ll realize your dream and walk on the moon, but it’s made of cheese and it’s attracted a record number of ants.

Aquarius:  You’ll get the feeling you’re being watched while installing those cameras in the women’s public restroom.

Pisces:  You’ll pee your pants in the rain, so no one will notice.  That same strategy won’t work walking through the mud though.