If your birthday is this week:  You don’t get any gifts because its mother’s day and your mom told all your friends and relatives you’d be busy doing stuff for her.

Aries:  Your mom will be the first person to put granola on a burger and the last the person.

Taurus:  Your Tinder date brings their mom along, so now your mom has someone to talk to.

Gemini:  Your visit with your mom is short since the prison cut back visiting hours.

Lemini:  You and your mom finally get those matching tattoos on your genitals.

Cancer:  Your mother continues to cook her feelings and makes you a pie the size of a manhole cover.

Leo:  The stars say, go visit your ma, your dad could use a break.

Virgo:  You’ll discover that mom makes a great wingman, but only for dates over 70.

Libra:  Visiting mom ends as it always does with whiskey, fist fights, a night in county lock up and a lovely homemade breakfast of French Toast.

Scorpio:  This week, your mom says she’s in town to visit her favorite children and you.

Sagittarius:  Your mother calls and ask if she can do Mother’s Day on a day where she doesn’t have three hot Tinder dates.

Capricorn:  Your mom will thank you for visiting her even though you never do anything right.

Aquarius:  Your mother will greatly appreciate the packages you muled across the border.

Pisces:  You mom will ask you again, why you’re making comics and when you’re going to get a real job.