If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday gifts will still smell like the dumpster where they were found.

Aries:  You will accept a collect booty call.

Taurus:  You will wake up in a mascot costume that smells like vomit.

Gemini:  The stars say ask for that raise, your boss could use a good laugh.

Lemini:  You’ll be forced to wash yourself with Wet Naps.

Cancer:  You’ll buy some shit on Craigslist that you realize you sold two years ago at a yard sale.

Leo:  You’ll build an obscene Lego sculpture.

Virgo:  Dr. Phil will lose his shit ahead of you in line for the cashier at Wal Mart.

Libra:  You’ll witness a new crime.

Scorpio:  You’ll finally find out what it’s like to copulate with a statue in a park.

Sagittarius:  This week, you’ll find some spare change on the floor of the Peep Show.

Capricorn:  Your date will take you to a naked clown rodeo.

Aquarius:  Your CrackerJack prize will be crack.

Pisces:  Get ready for a wild, woolly adventure at the dry cleaner.