If your birthday is this week:  You’ll see many naked women on your birthday after walking into the wrong room in the old folks home.

Aries:  You’ll get new followers on Twitter, doubling your numbers to four.

Taurus:  The CIA writes your horoscope and you decide John McCain’s a genius.

Gemini:  You will always bet on black, even though you’re playing craps.

Lemini:  You will invent a Martini whose main ingredient is Windex.

Cancer:  The ghost of F. Scott Fitzgerald will demand to know why you lie about to people about reading the Great Gatsby.

Leo:  Your local car wash will offer a happy ending.

Virgo:  You’ll be robbed at an ATM by a guy with a yo-yo.

Libra:  You’ll use martial arts to get a discount at Target.

Scorpio:  You’ll run out of soap cleaning all your sex toys.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, there’s a better parking space closer to the mall.

Capricorn:  This week, keep barbecue sauce with you at all times.

Aquarius:  You will be accosted by a group of drunken mascots.

Pisces:  You will inherit a llama with a gambling problem.