If your birthday is this week:  You won’t get any Oscars, but you will get a back rub on a subway car from a random guy named Oscar.

Aries:  You’ll realize that all your Oscar picks are episode of Spongebob Squarepants.

Taurus:  You may want to avoid strange women in airports that spray stuff in your face, unless you’re not the brother of a North Korean dictator, in which case you’ll probably have waffles or something.

Gemini:  You’ll get mugged in the middle of surfing.

Lemini:  The stars say, read a book cause the stars think you’re kinda dumb.

Cancer:  Despite the ads you took out in Variety, Independence Day: Resurgence fails to win Best Picture.

Leo: You will run into Ryan Gosling in a public bathroom, but he won’t appreciate your spontaneous reenactment of La La Land.

Virgo:  You will find a culinary use for bubblegum in your sushi recipe.

Libra:  You will not be on the Price is Right, as they insist you wear pants.

Scorpio:  You will get so laid this week, unless you’re Jimmy Kimmel, in which case, you’ll just suck.

Sagittarius:  You’ll make the world’s first carpet-flavored milkshake.

Capricorn:  Your attempt to mail yourself to Emma Stone horribly backfires and the package ends up at Merryl Streep’s house.

Aquarius:  You’ll borrow some money from your imaginary friend.

Pisces:  Your rough week is finally over and now it’s nothing but clear sailing!  Good think you write your own horoscopes!