If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday gifts will be mostly VHS copies of movies you don’t like that people found in the trash.

Aries:  This week, Matthew McConaughey stops by and eats all your pretzels.

Taurus:  Your Pokemon Go pokemon will begin demanding benefits.

Gemini:  Donald Trump will arrest your falafel and deport it to the Middle East.

Lemini:  You’ll finally realize that you can’t play video games all day, when there’s tons of heroin left to shoot.

Cancer:  The stars say, the government is putting secret message in the labeling of snack foods, but the stars have also been up for three days doing meth.

Leo:  Good news, the neighbor’s dog isn’t pooping on your lawn, it’s some homeless guy.

Virgo:  The ghost of DeForest Kelly reminds you he’s a ghost, not a doctor.

Libra:  You have a gambling problem.  None of the children that play blackjack with you, have much money.

Scorpio:  You will sext so hard, it’ll void the warranty of your iPhone and your dildo.

Sagittarius:  You’ll become sexually aroused by a velvet clown painting.

Capricorn:  You’ll mistake vanilla extract for your eye drops and smell and see cookies all week.

Aquarius:  Someone filters all the pulp out of your extra pulpy orange juice.

Pisces:  You’ll spend another relaxing Sunday with your inner demons playing poker.