If your birthday is this week:  You’ll get an inordinate amount of deodorant for gifts.

Aries:  You will watch a movie on Netflix that isn’t that good, but also isn’t that bad.

Taurus:  The stars say, your team will not make the spread.

Gemini:  Your roommate, a Trump supporter, will build a wall between your leftover tacos and the other food in your fridge.

Lemini:  Don’t look back, it will only make you that more frightened when your homemade rocket plunges back toward Earth.

Cancer:  You will meet your evil twin, but find out they’re actually the nice one.

Leo:  Beggars can’t be choosers unless you’re trying to give away your old clothes, apparently.

Virgo:  You’ll be full of Christmas cheer this week, which is why, the doctor’s say, it’s going to cost a fortune to remove it safely.

Libra:  Your craigslist ad responses to sell your couch will mostly be dick pics.

Scorpio:  You’ll finally pierce that last part of your body that hasn’t been pierced.

Sagittarius:  Carolers will avoid your house because word is, your cookies suck.

Capricorn:  A boy scout will help you across the street at gun point cause he really wants that badge.

Aquarius:  You’ll be outwitted by a raccoon, but the jokes on him, you didn’t even want that promotion.

Pisces:  You farting will be out of control this week or outstanding, depending on your point of view.