If your birthday is this week:  Your ho’s buy you a new pimp cane, but you have to ask yourself:  Where’d the bitches get the money for it?

Aries:  The ghost of Jimmy Buffet comes to you and says he’s not dead yet.

Taurus:  You’ll go out for wings, but be afraid to cross a picket line manned by armless chickens.

Gemini:  You’ll invent and then get sued over your new board game “Punch Your Neighbor”.

Lemini:  The stars say, “Bend over and pick up those keys on the floor.  Oh, yeah.  Just like that, baby!”

Cancer:  You quit smoking and gambling, but replace it with huffing paint and shuffleboard.

Leo:  You’ll discover that you’re the last person in America Donald Trump hasn’t insulted.

Virgo:  Speak your mind, it won’t take very long.

Libra:  This week, do something crazy.  It’s the only way the doctors will keep giving you pills.

Scorpio:  You’ll realize that it’s quicker to list the inanimate objects that haven’t been in one of your orifices.

Sagittarius:  Be your super inconsistent self today…kinda.

Capricorn:  The voices will stop, but then return after Comic Con.

Aquarius:  Jesus will take the wheel, which is how you’ll get the speeding ticket.

Pisces:  Your ghost time travels into the past to warn you not to die.