If your birthday is this week:  William Shatner shows up to your party singing his halting version of “Hap…py Birth…day!”

Aries:  The Devil buys your soul, but has buyer’s remorse and asks for your lottery winnings back.

Taurus:  You will punch a farm animal.  He’ll know why.

Gemini:  This week, prepare your suitcase because you’ll be selling your suitcase since you never go anywhere.

Lemini:  This week, Anthony Bourdain will insult your hotdog.

Cancer:  Your boss at work will interrupt your tablet gaming…again.

Leo:  The stars say, wash your ass.  You’re getting pantsed this week.

Virgo:  You will get surprise fellatio while taking a nap on the subway.

Libra:  You will poop a winning lottery ticket, but you’ll have to search several poops to find it.  Good luck.

Scorpio:  You will make sweet love to the ghost of the Artist Formerly Known as Prince while singing this.

Sagittarius:  Beware, the squirrels are planning a coup to take your bird feeder.

Capricorn:  A TSA agent will insist he check your shopping cart while you’re waiting in line at the supermarket and he throws away your shampoo.

Aquarius:  Your Capricorn roommate fails to return with shampoo again.

Pisces:  You’ll be at the Flemington NJ Comic Book Show from 10 to 4 on Sunday signing comic books, most which you made.