If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will be delivered by a Spiderman sporting a huge erection under his costume.  He really likes cake, apparently.

Aries:  Your angry roommate boils rubber bands with your ramen noodles.

Taurus:  Your pizza topping will spell out the lyrics to a Metallica song, so the band sues you for half the slices.

Gemini:  The stars say, they can see you when you take a shit through that skylight.

Lemini:  Your TV will decide that you’re watching too much nudity and violence.  Enjoy PBS for the next six weeks.

Cancer:  You’ll discover that living like the Fast & Furious characters really makes your car insurance go up.

Leo:  This week, you’ll be injured by a breadstick wielding waiter.

Virgo:  You will suddenly realize that the cast from the Blair Witch Project has been standing in your apartment this entire time.

Libra:  A gorilla will escape from the zoo, break into your apartment and play your video games.

Scorpio:  You will discover a new sex position on a public bus.

Sagittarius:  Take your time at work, your boss is going to fire your anyway.

Capricorn:  Your doctor advises you to take it ease masturbating before you permanently damage your wrists.

Aquarius:  A total stranger will point at your haircut and laugh uproariously, so yes, go with the hat.

Pisces:  John Kasich calls to ask for your vote and the phone call ends with him crying.