If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will be a rental.

Aries:  The stars say, beware of strangers bearing gifts because they’re probably just trying to sell you something.

Taurus:  A telemarketer will get bored with you and hang up.

Gemini:  You’ll go to the movies and realize you could’ve spent half the money to see the movie at home without total strangers or without seeing a ton of commercials.

Lemini:  You will be emotionally shattered by a Chinese food menu.

Cancer:  A bear will steal your newspaper because he has to shit in the woods.

Leo:  You will be present when a tree falls in the woods and realize that it does make a sound.

Virgo:  When the cops pull up, you realize that the woman you met on the train didn’t want you to borrow her baby.

Libra:  This week, you’ll duct tape a good friend to a tree.

Scorpio:  You will publish an erotic bumper sticker.

Sagittarius:  Don’t wait up, your cat is doing meth again.

Capricorn:  Brace yourself for a shocker because you forgot to turn off the breaker again.

Aquarius:  The ghost of Walt Disney will ask if you’ll go check on his corpse.

Pisces:  You will drink enough caffeine to go back in time to stop yourself.