If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will have three typos.

Aries:  Your robot gains sentience and ruins your credit score.

Taurus:  The stars say, that’s not glaze on your donut.

Gemini:  You will be punched by the next person at your front door, so pray for girl scouts.

Lemini:  Your gambling problem will cured by your horrible heroin addiction.

Cancer:  Your ninja room makes throwing stars out of your Nickelback CD’s.

Leo:  This week, your baker will make you a racist scone.

Virgo:  You will discover a way to work creampuffs into your crossfit.

Libra:  You will accidentally register as a Republican and immediately get a check for $5000.

Scorpio:  You will develop a sensual app.

Sagittarius:  Your roommate will insist that you can only drink the bottom half of the milk.

Capricorn:  Batman will save you during the mini mart robbery, but insist you buy him a hotdog.

Aquarius:  You will have a flashback to that atomic wedgie you got in 4th grade.

Pisces:  Your diet makes you weep when you walk past the new cupcake store.