If your birthday is this week:

Aries:  You will eat an inspiring burrito.

Taurus:  The stars say, you’ll save more money if pay for the car in cash all at once.

Gemini:  You will become addicted to smoking after starring in a Truth commercial.

Lemini:  Your boss will give you a promotion and crabs.

Cancer:  The world’s dumbest mugger will insist you take his wallet at gunpoint.

Leo:  You’ll find the ghost of Ronald Reagan watching Trump on CNN and muttering “Jesus Christ!” every few minutes.

Virgo:  Your attempt to start a taxi service with hoverboards ends with several wrist sprains.

Libra:  A gypsy woman predicts all your losing lottery numbers.

Scorpio:  You will make sweet love to an exotic pastry.

Sagittarius:  You will get a free pastry from a Scorpio.

Capricorn:  This week, you’ll visit an alternate universe where no one wears pants and car seats are covered in skid marks.

Aquarius:  Your gumball machine nets $40,000 it’s first week.

Pisces:  You will rush your horoscope blog post because of a huge lightning storm and you’re afraid the power will cut out befo—-