If your birthday is this week:  Your party clown is funny, but he insists on working with no pants.

Aries:  Your barbecue sauce doesn’t sell because it’s mostly made of cough syrup.

Taurus:  You will find Captain America pulling his shield out of your windshield and he’ll insist he saw the Red Skull in your hatchback, but you know he’s lying.

Gemini: You’ll assure your chef that you’re not part of the bourgeois class.

Lemini:  You’ll accidentally point your TV remote at the microwave and refreeze your burrito.

Cancer:  The stars say, you cannot use your horoscope as a deductible.

Leo:  You will drunk dial Vladimir Putin.

Virgo: Your friend will mistake a traffic sign for a horoscope.

Libra:  Slow children at play.

Scorpio:  You’ll get locked inside a closet, but fortunately, your sex toy is able to vibrate the lock off.

Sagittarius:  This week, watch out for vampires.  One of them is going to leave a Chinese food menu under your windshield.

Capricorn:  Your pizza will have a cry for help spelled out in pepperoni, but since you’re vegan you send it back.

Aquarius:  Your monkey escapes and steals your identity.  Now you owe Chaquita ten grand.

Pisces:  You’ll discover that porn fails aren’t as funny as regular fails.