Your Fratoscope: January 31, 2016
on January 31, 2016 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: Your birthday party is full of the three L’s: Love, laughs and leeches.
Aries: You’ll be kidnapped by aliens, but your poor hygiene prevents them from anally probing you.
Taurus: You finally finish digging your car out of the snow.
Gemini: You will take a desperate shit by the roadside, which is great, but find out it’s a sexual turn on, which is not so great.
Lemini: The stars say, don’t be afraid of new experiences, you might enjoy the kidnappers’ company.
Cancer: You will skateboard into some hummus.
Leo: You will acquire a baby lamb from an usual source.
Virgo: This week, you will get several surprise massages on the street and one happy ending.
Libra: Throw out all your tissues, they’ve expired.
Scorpio: Penthouse editors send you a letter explaining that you’ve reached the maximum amount of times you can be featured in their letter column this year.
Sagittarius: Your stand off against the Federal Government is ignored inside the Arby’s.
Capricorn: You will find your other contact inside an éclair.
Aquarius: The ghost of Abe Vigoda will blame you for jinxing him because you thought he was dead for years.
Pisces: You will play Fallout 4 and not get anything done this week.
