If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday party is full of the three L’s:  Love, laughs and leeches.

Aries:  You’ll be kidnapped by aliens, but your poor hygiene prevents them from anally probing you.

Taurus:  You finally finish digging your car out of the snow.

Gemini:  You will take a desperate shit by the roadside, which is great, but find out it’s a sexual turn on, which is not so great.

Lemini:  The stars say, don’t be afraid of new experiences, you might enjoy the kidnappers’ company.

Cancer:  You will skateboard into some hummus.

Leo:  You will acquire a baby lamb from an usual source.

Virgo:  This week, you will get several surprise massages on the street and one happy ending.

Libra:  Throw out all your tissues, they’ve expired.

Scorpio:  Penthouse editors send you a letter explaining that you’ve reached the maximum amount of times you can be featured in their letter column this year.

Sagittarius:  Your stand off against the Federal Government is ignored inside the Arby’s.

Capricorn:  You will find your other contact inside an éclair.

Aquarius:  The ghost of Abe Vigoda will blame you for jinxing him because you thought he was dead for years.

Pisces:  You will play Fallout 4 and not get anything done this week.