If your birthday is this week:  On the way to your birthday cake, you’ll walk face first into a spiderweb, flail about helplessly and knock your cake to the ground.  Later, you’ll notice a spider enjoying floor cake.

Aries:  You’ll adjust a picture in photoshop to put your ex’s face on a donkey, you petty, petty person.

Taurus:  You’ll shit in the woods.  Afterwards, you’ll find a bear impatiently waiting to take your spot.

Gemini:  Gandalf the Grey will push you down, steal your Magic Cards and call you a nerd.

Lemini:  You’re not getting fat, your dry cleaner has been slowly letting in all your garments.

Cancer:  Your World of Warcraft character sues you for neglect.

Leo:  The stars say, leave that scab alone, you’ll make the wound bleed and it’s on another person anyway.

Virgo:  You’ll confuse your pasta.

Scorpio:  The Smithsonian contacts you as a consult for their Victorian Age sex toy collection.

Sagittarius:  A ninja will attack you in Starbucks, but only because you almost pick up his latte by mistake.

Capricorn:  Your ITunes update tells you it’s time to find a better shirt and pants combo.

Aquarius:  The ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper will scream at you, “Put on the sunglasses!”

Pisces:  Your evil twin will retire and give you all his extra clothes.