If your birthday is this week:  The Spiderman hired for your party arrives with a huge boner.

Aries:  You should stop putting money into the Christmas Club you opened at that Greek bank.

Taurus:  You will arrive early for a meeting and find everyone in the conference room reenacting dance moves from the movie Footloose.

Gemini:  You’ll cheat at Monopoly, then confess, but your three cats won’t understand.

Lemini:  You’ll invent the hamburger sundae.

Cancer:  You’ll cook a meatball the size of a bowling ball.

Leo:  The stars say, be on the look out for opportunity because someone is willing to bang you for $40.

Virgo:  You’ll run into Bill Cosby at a party and he’ll assure you that he’d never want to give you a pill.  Ever.

Scorpio:  You’ll try and bang Bill Cosby voluntarily.

Sagittarius:  You’ll order a personal pan pizza and the toppings will spell out the words, “Fuck you!”

Capricorn:  You’ll give a customer a surprise on his next pizza.

Aquarius:  Due to a clerical error, you’ll be inducted into the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame.

Pisces:  You’ll eat your weight in potato chips and then vomit your weight in potato chips.