If your birthday is this week:  You will see Bill Murray at your birthday party, but he’ll take selfies with everyone except you.

Aries:  You’ll find a tiny corpse in a green suit and green bowler hat, along with an empty pot with gold residue.

Taurus:  You won’t feel like cooking tonight, you’ll just eat a chicken raw.

Gemini:  Some kids will egg your house, but when you explain it’s not Mischief Night, they’ll apologize and throw stones instead.

Lemini:   You’ll check your horoscope drunk and end up expecting the prediction one below, which won’t happen.

Cancer:  You’ll go for an uneventful drive that doesn’t end with being naked, blasted with a firehose and throw into a cell.

Leo:  You either have a spider crawling up your leg or an itch, but either way, you’ll check before reading the end of this horoscope.

Virgo:  You’ll remember that you forgot to call Robin Williams back.  He sounded kinda rough on the phone, but he’s probably fine.

Libra:  The stars say, that previous horoscope was too soon.

Scorpio:  Your attempt to email an orgasm clogs your keyboard with bodily fluid.

Sagittarius:  Your weed dealer breaks up with you.  He insists it’s him and not you.

Capricorn:  The cops will raid your place just to eat all the Pirate Booty in your pantry.

Aquarius:  Your elaborate Prom date proposal goes poorly because the girl isn’t interested and you’re 27.

Pisces:  This will be the week you’ll get some Patreon subscribers, because your fans are that nice.