If your birthday is this week:  Love is in the air on your birthday, mostly because your roommate holds an orgy on that day without inviting you.

Aries:  Don’t beat yourself up for eating most of that box of chocolates, just transfer it to a smaller box and your blind girlfriend won’t know the difference.

Taurus: Your dog will send a tasteful Valentine Day’s card to your leg.

Gemini:  Those flowers your S.O. gave you have a bonus gift inside: gnats!

Lemini:   The police put a damper on your getaway weekend because you failed to inform the woman you took that you were dating.

Cancer:  Your plan to serenade your sweetie runs into a problem because she lives in Boston and you’re not a polar bear.

Leo:  The stars say, your Valentine is ice cream this year.  Eat up!

Virgo:  Your Leo roommate eats your Valentine.

Libra:  You discover that buying lingerie on the first date is a little too intense, especially if you wear it for coffee.

Scorpio:  Your drain will become clogged with semen again.  Fortunately, the tenth unclogging is free with your plumber.

Sagittarius:  That teddy bear you got yesterday contains a spy camera and a small bear skeleton.

Capricorn:  Your imaginary girlfriend from Canada will demand a diamond tennis bracelet to make up for you forgetting to fake call her.

Aquarius:  Normally, when you spend the day in bed, it’s usually with someone other than your hand but you had a good time yesterday.

Pisces:  Your puppy continues to poop everywhere inside, but you can hardly blame her because it’s cold as balls outside.