If your birthday is this week:  A version of you from the future will come back in time to assure you that time traveling is safe and that you’ll be winning the lottery just as soon as you can figure out a way from preventing Hitler from winning American Idol.

Aries:  Slow down, you move too fast.

Taurus:  You will crush you enemies, mostly because you own a car crusher and your enemies are old Impalas.

Gemini:  Look out the window.  No, the other window.  Too late, you missed it.

Lemini:  Your subscription to Charlie Hebdo will be late.

Cancer:  No sense raking your leaves now, they’re frozen in the ice.

Leo:  Your investment in a cheap-ass jacket comes back to haunt you this week since it’s cold as balls outside.

Virgo:  The stars say, that weird Craiglist add inviting you to a van in a dark alley, probably isn’t the best way to go about finding new shelves for your place.

Libra:  Bet it all on 17 because the sooner you lose, the sooner you’ll get home and let your dog out before he shits.

Scorpio:  Your liquid condom idea doesn’t work and you are sued for blocking everyone’s peehole.

Sagittarius:  Whatever’s in the liquid condom you’re wearing, it still won’t let you cum.

Capricorn:  Your pizza will arrive late, cold and delivered by the guy who ran the pizza driver off the road.

Aquarius:  You will insult Islam in your cartoons, but fortunately you write the horoscopes and will be able to just switch it with the sign above yours.  Good luck Aquarius!

Pisces:  You’ll go through some old shit and find the junk that used to clutter your old desk.  Now it can clutter your new desk.