If your birthday is this week:  Drunk New Year’s Eve you drinks all the liquor in the house, so Birthday you spends his birthday sober…again.

Aries:  You will discover that your life has just been a very intense internship up to this point.

Taurus:  You will break your New Year’s Resolution and eat a bucket of chum.

Gemini:  Your recreation of the Times Square ball drop finally drops, ruining it’s falsetto singing voice.

Lemini:  The stars say, 2015 will finally be your year to shine, mostly because you’ll be involved in a terrible shellacking accident.

Cancer:  Stop adding nuts to you cookies, Cancer.  No one likes them.

Leo:  You will dance like no one’s watching, but it ends up on YouTube anyway.

Virgo:  You need an Altoid the size of a Frisbee to overcome your current breath.

Libra:  You will wake up in an open field in Kentucky after spending New Year’s in Times Square.

Scorpio:  You will break your New Year’s resolution and have sex with the mailman to get free stamps.

Sagittarius:  You will wake up in the middle of Times Square after spending New Year’s in an open field in Kentucky.

Capricorn:  Your house will be infested by gay cockroaches who reupholster furniture in much better colors.

Aquarius:  Your porn video is popular, but only because it ends up on the Fail Army channel.

Pisces:  You will recover from your vacation, but it may not be enough and you probably need another vacation.