If your birthday is this week:  People are going to pull that bullshit where you get one gift and try to say it counts as your Christmas gift too.

Aries:  Unclench your cheeks, it’s just a fart and it’s dry.

Taurus:  The stars say, your Porkpie hat is worse than your bald spot, hipster.

Gemini:   For some reason, you’ll blow last year’s New Year’s Resolution this week.

Lemini:  You’ll exchange code words and drop the package, but it turns out that was a homeless guy with a few lucky guesses.

Cancer:  Santa will barge in mumbling, “Sorry-sorry.  Fucking traffic.”

Leo:  It will turn out that the supervisor you’ve been working for, doesn’t actually work for the company where you’re employed.

Virgo:  You’ll run out of toilet paper and use coupon receipts for CVS instead.

Libra:  James Franco will knock on your door and beg you to rent “The Interview”.

Scorpio:  You’ll break last year’s New Year’s Resolution and have sex with several vegetables again.

Sagittarius:  You will discover that throwing your old Christmas tree over the fence into your neighbor’s yard doesn’t work.

Capricorn:  You’ll attempt to return a Christmas gift, but the clerk will insist that the salesman that sold it to you was imaginary.

Aquarius:  This week, your boss will realize that your extremely sexy when you don’t work.

Pisces:  The ghost of Abe Vigoda will appear and insist he’s not dead yet.