If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday presents consist of a lot of leftover turkey and stuffing.  Score!

Aries:  The FBI wants to talk to you, but just about your terrible choices in wardrobe.

Taurus:  Your pizza man will hand you some menus to other local restaurants and say, “Nothing personal.”

Gemini:  You will discover that Soylent Green is people and it’s delicious!

Lemini:  You will have a dream in which you’re molested by a fiberglass clown at a fast food restaurant.

Cancer:  Your smart phone will demand that you finish college if you want to continue to get your text messages.

Leo:  You will accidentally find yourself backstage at a Nickelback concert.  You’ll try to leave, but it’s mandatory that you have to stay 40 minutes.

Virgo:  You’ll find a mouse with diabetes at the bottom of your Captain Crunch cereal container.

Libra:  You will bring a flashlight to the movies and pretend to be an olde tyme usher.  No one will question it.

Scorpio:  The stars say, get your finger out of there.

Sagittarius:  This week, a neighbor will start putting up his Valentine’s Day Decorations.

Capricorn:  You’ll forget to charge your phone and it will die in the middle of sexting that girl on Tinder.

Aquarius:  A Capricorn will talk about how he’s really like to get you back to his place and “fu”.

Pisces:  You will be in leftover heaven except for the turkey farts.