If your birthday is this week:  Your friends throw you a masquerade birthday party, but it’s really just a way to get double usage out of their costumes before Halloween.

Aries:  You’ll knock on a door, a woman will scream “Trick!” and punch you in the face.

Taurus:  You will discover that passing out random items that didn’t sell at your yard sale, is an excellent way to clear your basement on Halloween.

Gemini:  While attending a Halloween party as an Ebola patient, you will be whisked away in a ambulance and quarantined for 21 days.  Still, nice costume.

Lemini:  Take pride in your work, the cops sure won’t when they find the bodies.

Cancer:  The stars say, that “Sexy DMV Clerk” really isn’t all that sexy of a costume.

Leo:  When the light shines just right on your angel costume, everyone can see your junk.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll be mugged by a group of  kids that take their Sons of Anarchy costumes a little too seriously.

Libra:  You will find that when TP’ing a neighbor’s tree, you shouldn’t use the toilet paper first.

Scorpio:  You may want to reevaluate your wardrobe.  No one notices that you’re in costume when you show up dressed as a prostitute.

Sagittarius:  While dressed as a cop at a Halloween party, a government official will give you a bazooka and tank.

Capricorn:  No one appreciates the authentic cadavers you borrow from the medical school for your house decorations.

Aquarius:  The Great Pumpkin will arise out of the pumpkin patch and ask to borrow your car.

Pisces:  You’ll surprise a group of kids about to egg your house on Mischief Night and score two dozen free eggs.