If your birthday is this week:  You older aunt will give you a pair of very comfortable underwear with a racist saying on it.  You decide to wear it and vow to shit your pants should you ever get into a car accident and have your clothes cut off by an EMT.

Aries:  You have respect for the elderly, so you will tip the day time strippers fives instead of ones.

Taurus:  You will make millions inventing a “Douchebag Detector App”, but then lose it all after smart phones overload and explode at Justin Beiber concerts.

Gemini:  This week, volcanoes will be lucky for you, assuming you avoid the lava.

Lemini:  You’ll be cursed by a mummy and he’ll cockblock you for all eternity.

Cancer:  The stars say, it’s never too early to start trick or treating, especially if you’re already a beggar.

Leo:  You’ll have some keys made, but your neighbor will demand that you make the keys for the locks in your own house.

Virgo:  You will confirm that the paperboy is trying to kill you, but you insist on doing your crossword puzzle every day.

Libra:  This week, you’ll tap a hole right through your iPad.

Scorpio:  Trojan will finally create the condom flavor you’ve been petitioning for:  Semen.

Sagittarius:  You’ll find the Halloween stash and start eating it.  Fuck those Trick or Treaters.

Capricorn:  Your homemade car falls apart at a toll booth and you have to pay anyway.

Aquarius:  Your idea for “Breakfast in a Can” stirs interest with the Jimmy Dean execs, until you tell them it’s just a Bloody Mary.

Pisces:  You will spot some guys in hazmat suits and rush home to cover yourself in hand sanitizer.