If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will be molded in the shape of what you love most: a cake.

Aries:  Your attempt at authentic Texas BBQ is uncovered when your dinner guests find the Arby wrappers.

Taurus:  The stars say, isn’t about time you stop believing in horoscopes and start calling the psychic hotline like a normal person?

Gemini:  The man at the Home Depot will assure you that building a robot wife will require more PVC pipe than is currently in stock.

Lemini:  Totally shitty week coming up, just like every other week.

Cancer:  Your affair with your Gemini neighbor’s robot wife is uncovered after your allergy to PVC pipe gives you away.

Leo:  The voice at the McDonald’s Drive Thru will yell far more threats of violence than is normal for ordering a bacon cheeseburger.

Virgo:  Your 4th level Elf Ranger dies from a hit from an Orc despite his +2 Mace and +1 Ring of Protection.

Libra:  Someone on Xbox Live calls you a well-mannered fellow that’s pleasant to talk to.

Scorpio:  Banging that pastry chef only gets you a 10% discount on danishes.  Next time, have sex with the Sous Chef.

Sagittarius:  Although that valet appears courteous, he rubs his balls all over your steering wheel for no reason while you’re at dinner.

Capricorn:  The others valet think you don’t have the guts to complete a dare, but you’ll show ’em!

Aquarius:  Kevin Spacey will star in your parody video about House of Cards just for the exposure and a package of Twinkies.

Pisces:  Your dog will whisper the secrets of the Universe to you, but you’ll be too busy screaming about the steaming pile she left on the carpet.