If your birthday is this week:  You bros throw a party in your honor and totally promise to remember to invite you next year.

Aries:  A stripper offers you twice the cost of a lap dance to pick someone else.

Taurus:  You take one of those candies at the diner and get just as sick as the guy that stuck his hand in the bowl before you.

Gemini:  You’ll drop your keys in wet cement and be forced to stomp on the sidewalk every time you want to turn off your car alarm.

Lemini:  Death shows up at your door and offers to play you in a game of World of Warcraft to let you live.  You wisely choose death instead.

Cancer:  Your dog will order a shit ton of dog toys on your credit card.  Bad dog.

Leo:  You’ll fall down some stairs without spilling your beer.

Virgo:  Ted Danson will stop you in a parking lot and challenge you to a Cheers trivia contest.  You will win.

Libra:  This week, beware of soccer balls and cats named “Colonel Fluff E. Tail”.

Scorpio:  Trojan will ask for a plaster cast of your genitals since over 2% of their product ends up near them.

Sagittarius:  You will trade your stock in Malaysian Airlines for a bowl of Ramen.

Capricorn:  You will regain consciousness from your Spring Break binge.  Nice coma, bro!

Aquarius:  You will strain your tapping finger playing tablet games.  First World Problems.

Pisces:  You’ll sit in front of a guy that reads the subtitles from “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” aloud because that is apparently the only way he can fucking read.