Your Fratoscope: May 11, 2014
on May 11, 2014 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: Check your birthday omelette for bottle caps, the cook’s been drinking.
Aries: Your hat will blow away, but fortunately your stalker is nearby to hand it back to you.
Taurus: You Star Trek fan fiction is so bad, Leonard Nimoy will personally punch you in the genitals.
Gemini: The local cheerleaders reject your freelance cheers, mostly because of the obscenity and misspelling.
Lemini: The stars say, be open minded when someone offers you a roofie.
Cancer: You will punch an elderly celebrity.
Leo: Your alphabet soup will spell out a message, “oiugehadhgjbnmvn”.
Virgo: You’ve accidentally switched your AM alarm to PM. You’re welcome.
Libra: You will discover that you’ve been spendin’ most your life livin’ in a gangsta’s paradise.
Scorpio: The field goal kicker you’ve been dating breaks up with you, but fortunately the rest of the team is still on board with your relationship.
Sagittarius: You line of musk flavored donuts do not sell.
Capricorn: The Phillies mascot, the Phanatic, will carjack you.
Aquarius: Someone took your beer and replaced it with one filled to the exact same level.
Pisces: This will be a good week for you to eat more cake.
