If your birthday is this week:  Check your birthday omelette for bottle caps, the cook’s been drinking.

Aries:  Your hat will blow away, but fortunately your stalker is nearby to hand it back to you.

Taurus:  You Star Trek fan fiction is so bad, Leonard Nimoy will personally punch you in the genitals.

Gemini:  The local cheerleaders reject your freelance cheers, mostly because of the obscenity and misspelling.

Lemini:  The stars say, be open minded when someone offers you a roofie.

Cancer:  You will punch an elderly celebrity.

Leo:  Your alphabet soup will spell out a message, “oiugehadhgjbnmvn”.

Virgo:  You’ve accidentally switched your AM alarm to PM.  You’re welcome.

Libra:  You will discover that you’ve been spendin’ most your life livin’ in a gangsta’s paradise.

Scorpio:  The field goal kicker you’ve been dating breaks up with you, but fortunately the rest of the team is still on board with your relationship.

Sagittarius:  You line of musk flavored donuts do not sell.

Capricorn:  The Phillies mascot, the Phanatic, will carjack you.

Aquarius:  Someone took your beer and replaced it with one filled to the exact same level.

Pisces:  This will be a good week for you to eat more cake.