If your birthday is this week:   You flight will be delayed for a fourth time, but you will build a new life in the airport next to the Sbarro.

Aries:  You will throw your soup out the window and it will harden in time to impale a squirrel.

Taurus:  While shoveling snow, you will uncover that pizza and the pizza delivery man you called yesterday.

Gemini:  The stars say, don’t pee outside.  No one likes pee-sicles.

Lemini:  Your hangover finally ends on Thursday.  That was a sweet party, bro!

Cancer:  Santa arrives, but when he sees you’ve gotten rid of your tree already, he throws up his hands and says, “Fuck this!”

Leo:  Frosty the Snowman bangs on your front door and begs you for another layer of jackets.

Virgo:  Your plane will be delayed again and you’ll be stuck in Jamaica for another three days.  Maybe you shouldn’t’ve told off the hotel staff on your way out.

Libra:  You will be haunted by a ghost who will leave a very minty smell everywhere.

Scorpio:  You will finally achieve an orgasm in below zero temperatures.

Sagittarius:  This week, you and your boss will huddle for warmth and you’ll finally get that raise.

Capricorn:  You will discover that pretzel furniture is not designed to hold your weight.

Aquarius:  You will get a summons for jury doodie and have to take a shit in your local courthouse bathroom.  You will be paid $5 for this.

Pisces:  Your homemade stromboli will be delicious, but your homemade sex lube, not so much.