If your birthday is this week:  Someone will replace your showerheads with the exact same kind of showerheads.

Aries:  Your Star Trek figures have a meeting and they all agree you need to get laid.

Taurus:  Stay frosty, a group of enterprising squirrels have copied your keys and learned about your bulk purchase of walnuts.

Gemini:  Good news, that rash spreads evenly on your skin so it merely appears that you’re constantly sunburned.

Lemini:  You will reconnect with an old friend.  Unfortunately, the cop that beats you doesn’t recognize you from high school until you get into the hospital.

Cancer:  Iran will lift their sanctions against you.  Now you can finally get some authentic chelow kabab.

Leo:  Keanu Reeves stops you on the street and demands that you stop wearing your Neo duster.

Virgo:  The stars say, you will almost scare away everyone from the old riverboat, but beware of a group of meddling kids and their dog too.

Libra:  You will discover that the voices in your head are actually just streaming from your iPhone.

Scorpio:  You will become the first human being to have intercourse with a animated cartoon.

Sagittarius:  A werewolf will break into your place, but fortunately he just wants directions.

Capricorn:  Despite cornering your turkey in a motel in Scranton, he makes a daring escape, stealing your car and horribly injuring two of your minions.  Maybe you should just serve ham this Thanksgiving.

Aquarius:  Turns out, having a big sandwich doesn’t make you ready to play basketball against big players.  It does make you throw up in the attempt though.

Pisces:  Drinking a bottle of cough syrup stops your cough, at least as long as you’re in the coma.