If your birthday is this week:  Your party clown’s twerking is actually just an epileptic fit.

Aries:  Batman will save you from a purse snatcher, but then make several unwanted sexual advances.

Taurus:  Your next pizza will have an extra topping: the pizza man’s butt print.

Gemini:  Your loan officer will be a horse, but he will give you a great interest rate.

Lemini:  The stars say, that $10 bill you find belongs to the stars.  They dropped it.  Honest.

Cancer:  Your boss will insist that you get the turkeys to end their hungry strike before it’s too late.

Leo:  Your package will arrive in the mail.  It will be full of Obama bumper stickers from 2008.

Virgo:  You will be gently mugged by the Pillsbury Dough gang.

Libra:  Your genie will quite citing “creative differences” in your wishes.

Scorpio:  Your birthday week goes well, but you come dangerously close to overdosing on lobster.

Sagittarius:  You will not find one good movie to watch on Comcast’s On-Demand.

Capricorn:  The ghost of Andrew Jackson will appear to you and demand to know why you don’t know who he is.

Aquarius:  The CVS will accidentally replace your prescription with several pounds of chocolate.

Pisces:  You’ll lose $2000 tossing cards into a hat by yourself.