If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will be a part of a completely unbalanced breakfast, you fat fuck.

Aries:  You will awaken from your candy coma and find that someone has stolen your Mario Brothers costume.  It’s probably for the best.

Taurus:  You will correct your boss at a meeting, but you’re totally right and totally fired.

Gemini:  Turns out, Costco doesn’t have a valet, you’ve just been robbed by a very well-dressed and polite carjacker.

Lemini:  This week, your money woes will be over just like everyone else that ends up in a morgue.

Cancer:  You will win a spontaneous eating contest, but the people passing out samples in the mall food court have you thrown out anyway.

Leo:  Justin Bieber will call you a douchebag, so it must be true.

Virgo:  The stars say, don’t park in the first spot you see, at least drive to the front to see if anyone’s leaving.

Libra:  You might still be sick because everyone in your office keeps asking why you didn’t take your zombie costume off from Halloween.

Scorpio:  You will sex up a Pilgrim and finally get to unbuckle one of those hats.

Sagittarius:  Don’t debate the next parakeet you see.  He’s a ringer put there by the pet store to impress walk-ins.

Capricorn:  The judge will excuse you from jury duty, mostly because you keep giggling every time someone says “duty”.

Aquarius:  You will discover that you can’t get Kickstarter to buy you a pizza.

Pisces:  The ghost of an Apollo astronaut will tell you in a dream where the secret moon gold is buried.