Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Your roommates throw you a surprise party, meaning that they have a party without you and you are surprised that you didn’t know about it ahead of time.

Aries:  You will find a keg that is dangerously full of beer.  Make sure you empty it before it explodes, hero.

Taurus:  Your Aries friend will get alcohol poisoning at a kegger.

Gemini:  You will vomit on a leprechaun and insist he still has to give you the gold, minus dry cleaning expenses.

Lemini:  You will be carjacked by a mime, but the joke’s on him, you were miming your car the entire time.

Cancer:  You will discover that you are a government experiment and now you have to be shut down.

Leo:  The stars say, eat right.  You don’t want to get the cannibals sick.

Virgo:  This week, you will get a haircut from a barber with an inner ear infection.  One side will be long, one side will be short, but he won’t know the difference.

Libra:  Your Xbox Avatar will break up with you.

Scorpio:  One of your Facebook pictures will become an Internet meme about getting laid in the most disgusting way possible.

Sagittarius:  All this week, you’ll have change for a twenty, but no one will ask you for it.  Then, bam, you’ll spend three bucks and someone will ask.

Capricorn:  Your attempt to learn how to bowl is thwarted at the China shop.

Aquarius:  After shaving your beard, they decide that the sham marriage should end.

Pisces:  You will have a sandwich that is badass and covered in rattlesnake bacon.