Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  You will be indoctrinated by some hipsters into their cult, which they were into way before you.

Aries:  A sewer monster will borrow your car, drive to the city and return it undamaged, but with no gas.

Taurus:  Remember that 80’s movie where pouring a soda over your computer created a monster?  Well, that sorta happens, only no monster and you need a new computer.

Gemini:  The leprechauns that live in your lawn go on strike.

Lemini:  You’re very popular today, unfortunately will all the people fighting to get to give you the Heimlick maneuver, you choke.

Cancer:  The stars say, drive to the south point of town, flash your headlights and await instructions.

Leo:  Wedding bells are in your future.  Your friend is getting married and needs some place to store them until the wedding.

Virgo:  The valet will change all your radio stations.

Libra:  Your mailman will lecture you on why a hand written letter is “more personal” than an email.  You’ll become his pen pal to shut him up.

Scorpio:  Turns out, jalapeño flavored condoms burn the mouth and any place else you put them.

Sagittarius:  Your attempt at Tokyo drifting lands your car inside a tool shed, upside down.

Capricorn:  Your cellphone will die while you’re trying to get directions.  Maybe next time, play Fruit Ninja later.

Aquarius:  This week, brace yourself for a roller coaster ride at work!  Unless, you’re a carnie, in which case it’s pretty much work as usual.

Pisces:  Aliens land in your backyard, tell you to mow it and then take off.