If your birthday is this week:  Your roommate gets high and bakes you a really awesome cake.  Awesome,that is, if you like cake made out of mostly baking soda.

Aries:  The gophers infesting your lawn will dance to Kenny Loggins long enough for you to bash them with a shovel.

Taurus:  Your Siri will malfunction and keep referring to you as “Numbnuts” this week.

Gemini:  After signing an organ donor card, you will be barraged by calls from telemarketers asking if you’re dead yet.

Lemini:  Your beer pong game will end with the loser getting fisted, so you’d better win this one.

Cancer:  The stars say, check back next week.  The stars are out of the office, but will be checking emails.

Leo:  The buzzing sound is either your ex-girlfriend or a predator drone.  Either way, jumping out the window is your best option.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll be on vacation in a fabulous, exotic location.  Unfortunately due to a mix up, you’ve booked a room at a Methadone Clinic.

Libra:  You will discover that a werewolf has been stealing your newspaper, which also explains why all the paperboys keep dying.

Scorpio:  Your sexual encounter in the aquarium will frighten the starfish.

Sagittarius:  Be alert.  Someone will drop a lottery ticket near you.  It’s tied to a large brick, so seriously, stay alert.

Capricorn:  Your television will temporarily only be able to show you the same rerun of Perfect Strangers this week and it’s not even a good one.

Aquarius:  Your dog will make you an amazing cup of coffee out of his poo, but his urine waffles are just terrible.

Pisces:  You’ll be getting lots of free food this weekend, assuming the owners of the supermarket don’t discover that you.