If your birthday is this week:  Your friends come over to celebrate, but all you can think about is how you’re missing the Season 3 premiere of A Game of Thrones.

Aries:  The Easter Bunny leaves you plenty of candy, but steals some of your weed.

Taurus:  You will fart very loudly during the middle of Mass and you’ll realize barging into a church to ask for directions was a bad idea.

Gemini:  You find all the eggs missed in your Easter Egg hunt while mowing the lawn.

Lemini:  This week, you get a surprise.  Diabetes!

Cancer:  The stars say, making an Easter Bunny out of the dust bunnies in your place is not cute, it’s disgusting.

Leo:  Your imitation of Jesus will not go over well.  Especially with the people trying to eat at the P.F. Chang’s.

Virgo:  You will have your childhood shattered today as the Easter Bunny will admit that he’s also the Trix Rabbit.

Libra:  You will spend Easter as you always do, counting down the seconds til midnight when the all-night CVS lowers the candy prices.

Scorpio:  You discover that Easter Sex is pretty much just sex with someone’s testicles brightly painted.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, stop saying “Ho, ho, ho” you jackass.

Capricorn:  Your family continues the Passover tradition of arguing for the rest of the week.

Aquarius:  Your Easter pizza will arrive covered in eggs and chocolate as requested.

Pisces:  You will host an awesome Easter Dinner despite the lack of robots.