Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Sucks to be you.  You will once again not get as many gifts as you would if you were born in August.

Aries:  Your PS3 will come with the body of a dead Elf.  Apparently, he got caught in the gift wrapping machine and no one noticed.

Taurus:  Once again, you’ll spend the day after Christmas cleaning reindeer shit out of your gutters.

Gemini:  The stars say, if Christmas is that overwhelming to you, maybe it’s time to consider another religion.  Most Hindus don’t have a mental breakdown shopping in Target on December.

Lemini:  Either you were really bad or your cookies are tainted because Santa takes a shit in your stocking.

Cancer:  Your snowman will come to life and demand you cover him on your healthcare.

Leo:  Your attempt to buy all your family’s gift in the same store will fail, as the gas station minimart only has so much stuff to sell.

Virgo:  You will either be given a very realistic looking stuffed animal or your boyfriend will wrap the puppy he got for you way too tight.

Libra:  You will finally get the zombie apocalypse kit you’ve always wanted.  Now it’s a waiting game.

Scorpio:  Once again, you’ll go on a shopping spree at the dildo shop in an attempt to use up last year’s gift certificate.

Sagittarius:  You will find Santa banging your roommate. The mystery of why she gets so many gifts each year has been solved.

Capricorn:  You will be visited by three ghosts.  They will all try to sell you on insurance.

Aquarius:  This week, you will be filled with the Christmas spirit or as you like to call it, “Meth”.

Pisces:  You’ll hit the Christmas Krampus with your car.  Now you’ll have to take care of the horrible children he was carrying.